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BS'D
subsequent to the below after being up front with Ruth about x y z, and then 3 days later she calls me and we spoke an hour and I see I really do like her - then I sent her this text:
Come see me or spend the shabbas after shavuos with me.
Im going to be away soon (latest the 2nd week in July, soonest the 2nd week in June) and my further plans can revolve around us if their is an us. Right now plans are all afoot. BezH’ Im simply not staying single, all be it your warning was heeded, reluctant compromise may be all thats available.
We can keep it on the low down - we can discuss how that will work:
You stay by Salazar in their lovely apartment 4 houses ish down from Daves.
Friday night meal Im asked for the first time to the lawyer Max (ideal as we both really don’t know them). His house is one away on other side of Road from Salazar.
And by day to the lovely and interesting Rebby Marvin and his London wife and super bright son. Its a 20min walk.
We can decide after a shlof to visit Iseya and Nechama for 3rd meal, or just hang out on the beautiful balcony I have at Daves
Agnostic leaning frum as opposed to Agnostic leaning aithiest
- - - - - -
SHID ELI
a person has to know himself - if at the top of my list is to be able to trust intimateley thats what I haver to prioritise and their are "other" things that:
need acepted
need worked on
am greatful for as bnuses
ACEPTED CHALENGES (while having what is most important to me)
• best ever biz position here
• avoid Glasgow as dad there
• Zoie for now tied to there
FACTS
long didtance I have with anyone a while
and Im saved from sin
it "may" bring some peace with dad
emes over observance in my case
as my observance is at "it's level"
Z
"People often know the right thing to do and don’t do it anyway"
Im doing the frum thing and growing BezH'
and Im not American so its extra hard
this could be a link home loned for - or am I dreaming?
And many people tell me the frim thing is mostly done by wrote - im trying to really do it - but Im only getting so far - and in fact Im not so "outside" some higher "norm" the state of the union ...
why should I punish myself to try to be what im not (at that level) when really only Eli is, and he is a Satmar gabbi dear G-d!
Im doing frum
Zoie will do what I need
she is my girl
Zozo
I tried
Its not for me everything / above human needs
_________________________
G-d brings u there, the devil wants to take u home.
Leave with who you came in with.
Who am I going to get
all have some baggage - myself included
where one is heading is more of a shared binding thing for tough times than where you've come from
I need a “mate”
ZOIE ailing sick parents
So cnt be away from G for a long time
And when we r together it would be great
I can be back and fwd to Glasgow
The only one I dnt see myself feeling “encumbered”
I need brocha I think its Zoie. https://youtu.be/4Rr5gB0P7HM
She is always really super smart like a novi - and totally tuned into me
And really accepts me
She is insistent on making me talk to my dad
I see as bashert
She will do what has to be done for me taharas etc
She is from my home town
Great humor
V humble
I trust her
Even commuting id see her more than Ruth
And how to prove my income. Not poss yet!
Making a strait person frum is easier than a frum crum person strait
And the frum ones available are not only very culturally different but have a bag of issues that the cultural difference emphasizes
I am trying not to act out of desperation and remain logically driven
Although the pressure and sensory deprivation has made me very crazy
I can visit her and we can step forwards
My project is monumental BH’ and plausible
But I need to be committed to my woman
And that’s possible with Zoie
I’ve gotten here to noki
Perhaps with her I cld visit my dad
The danger of sensory deprivation
Music is sensory replacement
So Zozo best option / v lucky that’s there
esp at 57 in a month “wont b frum” maters?
And what’s available is no good. Even crazy.
Zozo file
My only routs to marriage ate through success or Zoie. And i love Zoie. And im not so frum. I need to stop listening to other people. Or its hookers
I think she is a soul mate
And I give myself 150%
Zozo has honesty
I look forward to looking after her
Ruth nice
Zozo same humor / that’s what u want
Aunty reminds Benoni. With cheshboinos “gives u wings but locks you in a cage”
I wnt
Girl who makes a brocha
Vs/ But culture binds too – said Mesoud – and I agree
A discussion no nonsnce about marriage its a negotiation. How would we set up a life.
Attaction then its biz. Emotions comes after
We get along intellectually
And Medouds 4 things
We need objectivity
3-5
Generous
Normal
Torah 2 or 3 notches up or down
Turn on
Holding onto Torah from the start
Zozo not coming from same “place”
But maybe it could work in the all encompassing details of my situation
How fast or slow her pace has to be
Will need advice on rub issues sometimes
Better someone intellectually connect
= basis for sholom bayis!!!!!?
But financially frum lady, that i like, hard to find
Financial pushes against
Frum pushes against
With a Jew as minimal drama into the thing
WE NOW HAVE THE PARADOX
The risk to be with Zoie may b the answer
Several years of no intimacy
Chachamim say marry someone from same bgrnd
Call Zozo Just go there to Marry her!!!
The future we will work out
I will be away a little at start
U can come often at my expense
We will work it out
If it fails it fails
But lets
In Glasgow (while Zoies parents alive), it’s impossible to make efforts for a frum lifestyle really
Is it a stupid dream to have “some kind of” connection to my home town, ir is that stupid?
Coffee with Mirav
The all too sober bottom line
To be with Zoie I get someone I want to look after and deeply care for who is from my home town and has "that" thing to lean on as the glue for when things get difficult. This is not as good for sure as Torah, and I can not try to make her frum just daven that in time it goes in that direction as opposed to fakert. I will need council from Eli / Mesoud at times whn things get hard for me on this premise.
The alternative is the preclusive paradox on the other side of a frum girl that is anywhere near simply likable to me that I am not perceived by them yet as having the financial status that they have empirically as a pre requisite.
I feel like really want to say sorry to her that I didn’t marry her sooner – but I guess perhaps this is the way…
I feel a bit like now I sort of "merit" someone as so nice as Zoie
ME
I just study Torah, yes
Talk to Hashem a bit
Hold of v basic precepts